


Worse Than Nicotine (If You Love Shrek, Let Him Go)

by whatafuckingnerd



Category: Panic! at the Disco, Shrek
Genre: M/M, based off a true sims story, gay shrek, sorry brendon lmao but u know u love it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 08:50:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5579127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatafuckingnerd/pseuds/whatafuckingnerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shrek just moved in to the swamp. He met Octavio just outside, and he thinks he loves him until Brendon shows up. The thing is, both men are married. Who will stay, and who will have to get outta his swamp?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. CHAPTER ONE

**Author's Note:**

> ur welcome, brendon

Shrek had just moved into the swamp. It was perfect: the kitchens had walls, there was a jammin’ jukebox full of swampy tunes, and there was a hot guy right outside his house.  
Shrek strutted up to the man. He had a beard, and chiseled features. His glorious brown hair stood up from his head. “Oh, hey! I just moved in. Is this a nice neighborhood?”  
“Yeah! It’s plenty swampy. I’m Octavio, by the way.”  
“I’m Shrek.” He stroked his own bald head. “You know, I don’t let everyone into my swamp.”  
“. . . I’ve got a wife,” Octavio said.  
“Well, shit.”  
Shrek immediately knew: the wife had to go.  
“Nice meeting you, though,” Octavio said. “Maybe I’ll see you around.”  
Shrek waved flirtatiously as Octavio walked into the void.  
Shrek sighed as he slumped back into his shack. He turned the jukebox on and bopped along to the spooky-sick beat, trying to forget about that last encounter. How’s he going to kill his wife?  
Shrek stomped out of his house, to see that one girl, Annie, walk straight (straighter than him) into his swamp.  
Annie gaped as Shrek kicked the murky swamp water across his land, right onto her jeans. “GET OUTTA ME SWAMP!!”  
Annie growled and insulted him back. “I saw you trying to get with my older brother! Damn you, you green piece of shit!”  
Shrek screamed up at the blinding sun.   
“What are you doing?!” Annie said.  
“I’m having a hard time getting through this life, so excuse me while I sing to the sky.”  
Annie left his swamp, and Shrek went back inside.  
Shrek saw a tall, dark, and handsome silhouette in his window. Shrek bit his green lip at the sight.  
Shrek slid outside his shack once more to get a better look at the man. He had huge lips and a huge forehead, and hair slicked to the side. Shrek glided closer to him. “Hey.”  
“Oh, hey,” the man said. “I’m Brendon Urie.”  
“I’m Shrek.”  
“As in, ‘get Shrekt?’”  
“Yeah. You know I wouldn’t mind Shrek-ing you.”  
Brendon laughed quietly, and Shrek waved him inside. “You wanna hear my spooky-sick beats?”  
Shrek turned on the radio, letting the bass thump through the house.  
“Why’s it so dark in here, man?” Brendon asked.  
“I’m too hardcore for lights. You know what else is hard?”  
Brendon blushed. “You know, I’m not so sure if my wife would like me being here.”  
Shrek felt his whole world crash to the ground. “What?”  
“My wife—“  
“Yeah, yeah. I caught your drift.”  
Shrek changed into his swimming trunks, and jumped into the pool by his door. Brendon dipped his feet in the water, and Shrek swam closer to him.  
There was a knock at the door. Shrek swore under his breath. “WHO’S IN MY SWAMP?!”  
“It’s your new neighbor! Paul!” the kid said from outside the house.  
Shrek threw the door open. “GET OUTTA MY SWAMP!!”  
“Whoa, whoa, wait. Is that Bren—“  
Shrek pushed Paul away, right into the swamp water.  
“Close the goddamn door!” Brendon shouted from behind him.  
Shrek moved toward Brendon again, who was getting out of the water. “I’ve gotta go, Sarah will be waiting.”  
“Okay,” Shrek sighed. “Wanna meet up again, though? Soon?”  
Brendon hesitated. “Sure. Well, maybe I shouldn’t. . . .”  
Shrek looked him in the eyes, sliding a hand under his chin. “Please. Could we at least exchange numbers?”  
Brendon closed his eyes. “Fine.” He ran his hand through his hair, then fished his phone out of his pocket. “You’re worse than nicotine.”


	2. CHAPTER TWO

Shrek sat on the floor of his bedroom, staring at his phone screen. He didn’t know much about his love life, just that he wanted to see Brendon again.  
After a couple minutes, Shrek looked up to see Octavio outside, standing in a group with his friends, right next to the lake. Shrek finally got up and went outside to greet him.  
Once Octavio noticed him, he waved him over. “Oh, I thought this might have been your house. Shrek, right?”  
“Yeah. Where’s your wife?”  
“Work. I have the day off.”  
The conversation was interrupted by Shrek’s phone beeping.

brendon  
hey, wanna meet up? work ended early, and sarah’s with her fam

Shrek smiled.

i’d love to, stomp on by my swamp anytime

Octavio looked over Shrek’s shoulder. “Who is that?”  
“My friend, Brendon.”  
“No way!” Octavio said in a hushed tone. “Brendon Urie? Forehead kid? Do you know about his reputation?!”  
“What?”  
“Forehead’s known for sleeping with everyone in the neighborhood. It’s died down since he got married, but it still happens sometimes.”  
Shrek nodded, smirking. “So, did he sleep with you?”  
Octavio looked down. “Yeah. But we don’t have a . . . thing. It was just one night.”  
“Was it good?”  
Octavio’s eyes widened, and he checked that no one was listening. “Maybe. But no homo.”  
Something tapped on Shrek’s shoulder, and he turned around to see Brendon. “Is now a good time?”  
“Oh, yeah, of course!” Shrek’s skin turned a darker shade of green. He waved to Octavio, and led Brendon into his house.  
Brendon and Shrek walked into his house. Shrek momentarily excused himself from the conversation to shower. He stepped into the water. He didn’t know what to think about Brendon. He was developing a crush, and he didn’t like it. He knew Brendon was a player, and a married player at that.  
Shrek exited the shower to see that Brendon had left with no explanation. He stood for a while, watching the door.  
He loved Brendon, and he let him go.


	3. Chapter 3

(BRENDON’S POV)  
Brendon heard a knock at the door. He looked through the peephole to see Shrek, standing there, all alone.  
Sarah was here, but she was in their room. Brendon opened the door.  
“Shrek? What are you doing here?”  
“I just want to talk. Is your wife here?”  
“Yeah, she’s just inside.”  
“Maybe we should talk out here, then.”  
Brendon nodded shallowly, then stepped away from the house, closing the door. “You know, sometimes I don’t know about Sarah. We’re different people then when we first married.”  
“Yeah.” Shrek looked away for a second, and Brendon started to regret his words.  
Brendon took out his phone, taking a picture of them two. “Hey, I got this for you. As a friendship thing.” He gave him a rose.  
Shrek felt his face burn. He smiled, then took Brendon’s hand and kissed it. They looked into each other’s eyes.  
Brendon peeked into the house. “Hey, Sarah, I’m going to the club with a friend. I’ll be back by tomorrow.”  
“No homo?” Sarah yelled from inside the house.  
“No homo,” Brendon answered.  
Yes homo, Shrek thought.

Brendon and Shrek walked into the club, to see none other than Octavio, standing by the bar. The whole club was empty except them three and the employees.  
Once Octavio saw them standing together, he took one last swig of a drink and fast-walked past the pair, bumping into Shrek on the way out.  
Shrek watched him go, but Brendon grabbed his hand and led him to the bar.  
It was getting later, so more people were entering the club. Brendon sat closer to Shrek than usual as they ordered their first round of drinks.  
“Are you from Tennessee?” Brendon said.  
“No, I’m from the swamp.”  
“Oh.”  
“You’re allowed in it any time you want, though.”  
Brendon laughed. “You know, I really like hanging out with you, Shrek.”  
“I like hanging with you, too.”  
They finished their first rounds, then ordered their seconds, and eventually, thirds.  
“We should stay together all night,” Brendon hiccupped. He looked at Shrek, and you could practically see the hearts in his eyes.  
“We should,” Shrek slurred back.  
Brendon took Shrek to the corner of the bar, drinks in hands. Brendon’s vision was a haze, but his intentions were anything but. He knew what he wanted.  
Shrek and Brendon stood close together, and Brendon wrapped his arms around his neck. They pressed their lips together, and kissed. It was quick.  
Brendon had forgotten all about Sarah. She was the last thing on his mind right now.  
Shrek caressed Brendon’s face with his hands, then leaned in again.  
“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” Brendon said quietly, in a low voice.  
Shrek smiled. “Of course.”  
They eased into another kiss.  
Shrek giggled. “We should go to my swamp, now.”  
“Good idea.”  
They hailed a taxi cab, a beautifully plain taxi cab, and drove to Shrek’s swamp. They went to his bedroom, and they Shrekt each other. Shrek let Brendon enter his swamp.  
Once Brendon got out of his swamp, they went to the dining room to talk. They got out a bottle of wine, and were in the process of opening it when the doorbell rang.  
“Hello?” Brendon said as he opened the door.  
It was Octavian, his former lover, and Shrek’s former crush. And he was holding a gun.  
“What?” was all Brendon could get out before he came into the house. “What are you doing?!”  
“I loved you!” Tears were streaming down his face. “I guess this is what I get for playing hard to get, but Shrek-ing Forehead was a step too far.  
One gunshot, two, three. Shrek was lying on the cold, hard ground. Green blood spattered all over the floor.  
Brendon choked on his tears. “SHREK!” he rasped. “SHREK!”  
The kid, Paul, came in right behind Octavio. “Who’s outta the swamp now?”  
It was the end of all things. Shrek was dead.  
It was the death of a bachelor.


End file.
